Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
