the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
