shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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