i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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