if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
