Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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