Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
