I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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