well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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