i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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