Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
