the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
