im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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