return my video game
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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