my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
