nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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