I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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