Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I got inside last night via doggy door
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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