Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
