dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
