So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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