god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
