yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
