mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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