I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
