i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
