We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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