I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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