If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
