that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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