I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
