i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
