her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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