wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
