turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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