Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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