I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
