I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
