Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
