I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
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My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
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GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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