The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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