i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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