There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
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He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
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Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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