If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
