she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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