Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
