I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
