you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
