Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
