And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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