trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
