why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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