He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
