I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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