I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
