i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
