I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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