"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
